Part 2: When Helping Hurts

If you’ve ever helped someone, then you know how good it can feel to make someone’s day a little easier, to meet a need, fill a gap, or carry someone else’s burden. That feeling of “I did something good today” has carried me through a lot of hard seasons.

But what happens when helping... doesn’t help? That's a question I never expected to ask.

I was raised to serve and I was created with a helping heart. Nursing seemed like a natural fit as a career and helping people felt so good.....most of the time.

But when I found myself helping.....and hurting, I didn’t know what to do with that. I remember one conversation that broke me open in a way I didn’t see coming. My husband and I had just started our own business, and I was still working full-time as a nurse, carrying a lot of the financial load while he focused on growing the business. It was hard, but I believed in the dream and wanted to be supportive. So in my “helper” mindset, I did what came natural....anticipated needs, handled behind-the-scenes stuff, kept things tidy at home, and a million other little things I thought would ease his burden.

Then one day, he said, “You are not a very good business partner. You’re not doing anything to help grow the business.”

I wish I could tell you I stayed calm, but I didn’t. I got defensive and started listing all the things I had done for him......things I thought he should appreciate.

Now, if you know my husband, you know that back then, he wasn’t one for sugarcoating. He was all about facts. And the “facts,” according to him that day, were that there were specific things he had told me would be helpful to him if I would do them. But I hadn't done them. I chose to do all the other things I thought needed done. And all those things, though maybe thoughtful, weren’t helpful to the business.

“I don’t need you to do those things,” he said. “I need you to help me do the things that actually help grow this business.”

I felt so small and so confused.

I didn't know how to do the things that would actually be helpful so instead, I chose to give all I had in the ways I knew, but that wasn’t helping. It wasn’t even needed. At that moment, it felt like I was invisible to him. I didn’t just feel unappreciated....I felt unnecessary.

I couldn’t stop the thought from creeping in:

“If I’m not helpful....do I even matter?”

The thing that made me me, that helper identity I had clung to all my life, suddenly felt useless. I didn’t know how to be a business owner. I knew how to take care of really sick kids. I knew how to pray for people in a crisis. I knew how to bring meals and offer support. But this? This I didn’t know. And for the first time, I wondered if I could ever become what he truly needed.

It was a difficult time, one of the hardest for me, personally.

That conversation revealed a truth to me that would create a turning point in my life.  My worth had become tied to the value other's placed on what I was offering. I was helping to be seen. To be validated. And when that validation didn’t come, it felt like a rejection of me.

The kind of helping that drains us is more about survival than purpose. It happens when we are trying to earn love, respect, value, or purpose through our usefulness. And that kind of helping hurts, especially when we don’t get the response we’re hoping for.

There’s a difference between being needed and being known.

I’ve had to untangle that in my marriage, in motherhood, in ministry, and in business. I’ve had to learn that being a helper doesn’t mean doing all the things people didn’t ask for, then feeling crushed when they don’t notice. It means listening, learning, and sometimes helping in ways that stretch me outside of my comfort zone.

But most of all, it means knowing that my value doesn’t disappear when someone doesn’t acknowledge my effort. My value is constant because it comes from my Creator, not from how helpful I am or how appreciated I feel.

So, if you’re reading this and you’ve ever poured out and felt invisible, I want you to know, you are not alone. You’re not crazy. You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re just someone who cares deeply. And caring deeply in a world that doesn’t always see it? That’s courageous and it will require you to know the truth about your worth. 

And as you’ll see in the next part of this series, this revelation was just the beginning of a bigger shift, one that started with a simple but soul-shaking question:

Who’s writing your story? 

Reflection Prompt:
Have you ever found yourself helping in ways that weren’t received or appreciated? Did it cause you to question your worth?